Izzy and Pea - The NICU journey revisited

Guest Blogger Allison F writes of her journey to have two gorgeous girls, both born at 28 weeks. You can follow her blog izzyandpea here.

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted a big family, I have always felt that it would be my greatest achievement in life.  Greg was at me for years to start a family, though I wanted to finish my degree before we started trying.  So when we got married we went through the whole ‘honeymoon stage’ and fell pregnant straight away.  I felt in my heart that this was going to be the year of our lives, getting married and starting a family straight away.  We had been together 7 years by now so we weren’t technically rushing into anything.

Isabelle's 1st birthday and pregnant

Isabelle's 1st birthday and pregnant

After my first miscarriage it didn’t take me long to want to try again, but after my second miscarriage it just wasn’t the same.  That feeling of being so happy to be pregnant had gone.  It almost felt like a chore, a chore of having to wait to see if my pregnancy was viable, we needed find that passion again for a family.  When we found out we were pregnant with Isabelle, I was so relieved that I call fall easily, though petrified at the same time.   I remember the day my Aunty phoned me to say my cousin had had her twins, I was 21 weeks pregnant at the time, and my cousin was only 25 weeks pregnant.  Something inside of me made me keep in contact to see how she was getting on.  When I lost my plug at 25 weeks, I knew, I knew I too was going to have a premmie and we did.  Isabelle was born at 28+4.  She is now 16months and perfectly healthy.

With having a big family we wanted our kids close together, which was one thing we had always agreed on. Even though Isabelle’s corrected age is only 3 months, we aren’t going to be using her corrected age forever.  So when Isabelle was 6 months actual we started trying.  I have to be honest, I wasn’t sure I could go through it again.  I was more worried about Isabelle and the thought of having to leave her if we went early again.  I was so torn when we found out, we were both so happy and I was also petrified, we had a scare at 7 weeks and I honestly didn’t think I could take it anymore.  My heart was breaking and the thought of losing a baby this early again was so overwhelming.  I want that big family though the heartache of it all was starting to take over.  At 20 weeks everything was perfect, by 24 weeks my cervix was still closed and perfect, by 26 weeks my cervix had halved.  My checkup at 28+4 I had no cervix and fully effaced, I was sent straight to hospital.  I was calm when I went into labour 30minutes later, I remember the nurses telling me that I can be upset if I want to be.  I was alone, my husband was at work and I was laying on the table in theater and all I could think about was Isabelle and how the hell am I going to do this again. 

Penelope at birth and due date 

Penelope at birth and due date 

Isabelle meeting Penelope outside of NICU/SCN2

On a visit to see Penelope I overheard the LC ask a mum, ‘how much do you think he has had?  Do you think he will need a top up?’  I broke down; it all came back, all the little things that I had blocked out of my head, all the little things that I had forgotten.  We were back, we were in NICU/SCN and we were going to be here for weeks.  I cried myself to sleep for the first 3 weeks, I felt like I had failed at being a mum and I couldn’t deal with the fact that I had to have a c-section.  It broke me, it truly did.  Then one day something just clicked and I turned a corner, I was on a mission to get Penelope out of there as soon as I could, and we did.  She was 8+4 when we brought her home.  That was 3 weeks ago.  I still want more children and I know in my heart I am not finished.    

© 2015 Allison Filinski | www.izzyandpea.com


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